Once in awhile I catch a Christian radio program called "Revive Our Hearts".
Today, while in the car running errands, was one of the days I caught a portion of it and the host (a woman) was talking about how to get through hard times spiritually. While her list of tips was primarily focused on the natural- even financial- burdens we face (especially in the current economy), I was grateful to hear a few things she said because they really struck home for me on a much deeper level.
No, I am not concerned about "getting through" spiritually because of our nation's current economy. But, some of the things she said I could easily apply to my much deeper struggle of finding contentment in a life that does not (at this point) include children.
One thing that was mentioned- perhaps the most important point for me- was the question of, "Do I have to have it (whatever it is that I want) to be happy?" Her point was that we need to ask God to reorder our priorities. As I took a moment to ask myself that question, "Do I have to have children, a child, to be happy?", I realized that up until now I have thought, "Yes!", and I realized how wrong that priority is for me.
We heard at Boyden convention from Deuteronomy 8- vs. 2, "And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not." The woman on the program actually quoted a little from this verse, and talked about how God allows trials to purify us, to make us more dependent on Him and to teach us to die to ourselves. I started to think on that and remember some of the other verses from that chapter that we heard from convention.
Vs. 3, "So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the LORD."
Vs. 5, "You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the LORD your God chastens you."
Vs. 7, "For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills..."
Vs. 16, "...who fed you in the wilderness with manna, which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do you good in the end..."
The woman speaking mentioned that we need to realize that God has given us everything we need for this moment in time. That we shouldn't worry for things we want or think we'll need in the future, because if a time comes when we need more, or need something else, He will provide it.
Although she was only referring to financial and physical needs (like food on the table, paying the bills, etc.), those things really hit my heart- to be applied to my situation of a struggle with infertility.
It's so true. God has given me what I need for this moment. For today. Tomorrow what I need will be there. I don't need to worry about it.
Do I need to have children? No. Do I want that more than anything else in life? Yes. Do I still need to come to terms with how to be content with not having a child right now? Yes. But what she said next was what was so good for me. She said that everyone needs to learn the "key to contentment"- which is, to make the choice to believe that what I have right now, though it may not be what I want, is enough.
I don't understand why Pete and I have been given (or allowed) this struggle of infertility when there are countless children being born to unfit parents (drug/ alcohol abusers, physical/ emotional abusers, etc.). But what I hope that I am learning to understand is that God has a purpose here in our struggle. That He does care about the pain this struggle causes us, causes me- and that there is something in all of this that we are to learn, that we are to receive.
For me (aside from the fact that we need to learn to fully rely on and trust God), it might just be the realization that I must choose to be happy, even if God does not grant us a child. Do I think that we will, someday, have children? Yes, down deep I still think that somewhere, someway, one day children will be included in this little family that Pete and I make up. But, right now, we sit in a "limbo" of sorts- we don't have a child to love and raise and that causes us pain, and everything that is actually in our power to do physically we've done or are doing so there's nothing we can actively do, right now, to change that.
So, we're in the middle place- the waiting place. And so, that is the place, right here and right now, that I need to choose to be happy in- content in. Is it an easy choice? Not on your life. It goes against every fiber and grain of my human nature. To want something so badly that you would literally give anything in your power for it, and yet not have it- it's torture to my human nature. But, I want to choose to be glad, to have joy, to be thankful.
Do I fail at that choice? Oh, my yes. And I fully expect that I will continue to fail- not always, but I know there will be days coming in which I will struggle. Days where it will feel like I'm drowning in my sorrow again. Why do I know this? Because I've already had many of them! And, because I'm only human, there will be more of them. But I think what is important is that I'm having more "good" days, and that I'm recovering better from the "bad" days.
So, anyway, it was so good to feel God was speaking directly to my heart, even through something as secular as the radio. I love times like that, because it reminds me that I am not alone- my God is near, if I will only turn to Him. If you know me personally, don't expect a huge and sudden change in me- I'm human, and this is one of the most taxing struggles, both physically and spiritually I think, that a human being can go through. So, if you know me personally, you will probably witness some of those days when I'm failing at fighting my human nature's desire to have a child "right now!", but be assured, I will recover- both Pete and I will recover. And, slowly, we are learning to choose to be happy, to be glad, to be joyful, and to be thankful, where we are.
